Mom’s Old Fashioned Penis Cookies

My mother is one of the most innocent people I know. She thinks that a cock is a rooster and a dick is private eye.

So when I tell you that she made erotic cookies for the Big Family Gathering one Christmas, you’ve got to understand that she had no idea that those weren’t candles she was baking.

I’m sure the candle cookie cutter looked pretty festive, hanging out with all of the other angelic holiday shapes–Christmas trees, stars, Santa. This candle, however, had a  base that was rounded on both sides, a long shaft, and a slightly protuberant flame on the tip. Angelic, my ass. That cookie cutter company probably had a blast manufacturing those dandy little treat shapers.

So my wonderful, naive mother made a large batch of festive candle cookies for the Big Family Christmas Gathering. No one noticed them until my cousin’s four-year-old son picked one up, looked at it with a puzzled look, then said:

“Daddy–look. It’s a weenie!”

Thus Mom’s Old Fashioned Penis Cookies were born. She still has no idea.

Want to make some? I did.

First, gather your ingredients:

sugar, flour, butter (lots and lots of butter), eggs, vanilla, baking powder, and salt.

the ingredients

Soften 1.5 cups of butter–this is 3 sticks. This is what makes the cookies (or anything!) good. In a large bowl, cream together the butter and 2 cups of white sugar.

butter and sugar

Once smooth, whip in 4 eggs and 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract. Please use good vanilla. Good vanilla helps the butter to make these good. Bad vanilla (i.e. cheap vanilla) cancels out all of the buttery love.

eggs and (good) vanilla

Ok, once smooth, fold in 5 cups of all-purpose flour, 2 teaspoons, baking powder, and  1 teaspoon of salt.

all the ingredients

The cover and chill for at least 2 hours, or overnight. Overnight completely chills the butter within the dough and makes a better cookie.

Take out your handy candle cookie cutter.

Christmas tree, star, Santa, candle

Now, the candle cookie cutter is seemingly innocuous. It’s the end result that really assaults your eyes.
Ok, after chilling: roll out to 1/4-1/2 in thick on a floured/sugared countertop or parchment paper. Then use the handy candle cookie cutter to make dirty shapes.

dirty shape

Here’s a tip for easy transfer of cookies to a cookie sheet–instead of cutting the shape, picking it up, and moving it, why not remove the excess dough from around the cookie on the parchment paper and when the parchment paper is full, transfer the entire sheet rather than cookie by cookie? Less mess, fewer fingerprints, and it reduces stretching. I didn’t do this for these, but it’s a thought for next time.

on the cookie sheet. lumpily transferred.

Anyway, bake for about 8 minutes at 400 degrees. Cool in a wire rack and…enjoy!

the end result. candles, right?

suck it, martha.

recipe adapted from allrecipes.

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Categories: Food & Drink

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8 Comments on “Mom’s Old Fashioned Penis Cookies”

  1. Wonder Woman
    May 29, 2011 at 4:41 pm #

    Excellent!

  2. May 30, 2011 at 8:27 pm #

    I must say, on a day when we’re looking for a laugh, we still joke about the penis cookies. I think I’ll tell that story to my great-grandchildren.

  3. Sarah
    May 31, 2011 at 7:03 pm #

    love it, adore it, and i want one of those cookie cutters.

  4. June 1, 2011 at 11:18 am #

    I think they’ve discontinued that particular shape of candle cookie cutter–wonder why?–but I did find this: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0001XXEZ4/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B00086ICWY&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1WJACQ4HFVHWBY820C14

    Not the same, but you could modify it to be more phallic.

  5. Chris
    December 15, 2011 at 9:23 am #

    Yay, penis cookies!

  6. July 11, 2013 at 3:05 pm #

    I actually have one of these cookie cutters that I found at a 2nd hand shop when I moved out years ago. Making these cookies today for a “Romance” party. 😀

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