Grandma’s Biscuits

My grandma is a card.

I was about 15 when she started pressuring me to find a nice Christian boy to date and then marry. At 15, all I wanted was to read books about ranches,

from thepioneerwoman

talk on my rotary dial phone,

from fullxfull

and avoid foods that got stuck in my braces.

from inlinethumb

Not try to find a suitable life partner.

from onlygowns

When I got to college she earnestly began trying to find me a boy. We would go to a restaurant and if our server was male and not decrepit–poor boy–she would try to matchmake.

from venndiag

The whole harrowing experience would go something like this:

Grandma (to the server): Are you single?

Waiter: Ummm……yes.

Grandma: Do you think she’s pretty? (gestures at me)

Me: (flashes an apologetic look at the server, says nothing, looks down at food)

Waiter: (looks around in a semi-panic) Uhhhhhhh…….(sees that somebody needs a refill) I’ll be back… to check on you…later.

from williaint

This could be why I don’t spend a lot of time with my grandmother.

Now that I’m the oldest unmarried female our family has ever had, the pressure is really on.

This past Christmas, my grandma announced to the entire family that I was getting so old that no man would want me.

from kqarlos

What do you say to that?

I’m pretty certain that my grandma thinks she can foresee my future:

from dotslack

She sure as hell doesn’t know about El Guapo. If she did, I would be getting bridal magazines in the mail.

from litratophoto

Daily.

I will say this about my grandmother, however.

The woman can cook. Her biscuits are unrivaled.

So when I tell you that I voluntarily went to her house to spend a morning with her to learn to make them–

you know they’re good.

Like many old-fashioned biscuits, these don’t use measurements. Everything is by “feel.”  Even better than that, though, is that there are 3 ingredients.

  • self-rising flour
  • shortening
  • buttermilk

the cast

That’s it.

So I’m going to try to impart my biscuit “feel” knowledge to you via these interwebs, but until you actually stick your hand in a tub of shortening, you won’t truly understand.

To begin with, scoop out some shortening with your hand, and rub it all over a circular cake pan. This is what we call “greasing the pan.”

grease that pan

I prefer to do it at the beginning. You’re going to have to wash your hands now.

Next, put about a cup of self-rising flour in a bowl.

the flour

Add to that a couple of dollops of shortening. I used a tablespoon as my dollop-er.

the shortening

the flour and the shortening (I added more shortening post picture)

Using your hands to cut the shortening into the flour. When the flour is crumbly, it’s achieved the right consistency. You may have to add either more flour or more shortening.

crumbly-ing

Once that’s done, pour in some buttermilk.

buttermilk

Using your hands again, mix the dough. It’s the right consistency when it’s thick and a little sticky. Again–add whatever ingredient you need to achieve this consistency (probably either buttermilk or flour at this point).

consistency

more consistency for your viewing edification (sorry its blurry)

Put the dough on a floured surface–Grandma uses the counter, I think that cleaning the counter of this mixture is a drag, so I used parchment paper. Crumble up, toss away. No  Clorox Green Works needed.

floured parchment paper

Knead the dough a little. Don’t over knead it, just make sure everything is properly incorporated.

kneading (it's messy)

Now, flour the back of your hands, grab a small handfuls and put them into the greased cake pan.

placing the biscuit in the pan

Push them down to be even with floured knuckles.

floury knuckles

pressing the biscuit

If they’re not even, they won’t bake evenly.

It’s ok–even preferred–if they are touching. Once done, they break apart really easily.

all ready to bake

close up

Put them in an oven preheated to 350. Bake until done. Whenever that is. I made some once that were done in 15 minutes–this batch took about 35. Science.

hot 'n ready

They aren’t pretty. But they are tasty.

Break apart, drizzle with something (honey, syrup, jam, eggs over medium, whatever), eat it.

suck it, martha.

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Categories: Food & Drink

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3 Comments on “Grandma’s Biscuits”

  1. Movefasta
    July 31, 2011 at 5:35 pm #

    mmmmm they look so good

  2. August 2, 2011 at 11:21 am #

    They ARE so good. Yummm….lard.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Appalachian Cat Head Biscuits | suck it, martha - December 17, 2012

    […] The biscuits my maternal grandma made (recipe here). […]

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