My opinion is that pants that compete for room with your bra are a no-no.
It’s awfully hard to successfully wear high-waisted pants, people. Too many people think they know how to–
–and end up looking like a cry for help.
High-waisted pants are not a fashion decision to commit to lightly.
If you make the wrong selection, you could quickly plummet from looking taller and more slender to looking like a dumpy, frumpy matron with an ass that looks like a dinner plate.
I understand why you would want to wear high-waisted pants.
Maybe your ass crack is not attractive enough to peep out above your extra-low-rise jeans.
And if you wear high-waisted pants, you never have to hike them up before bending over.
That’s a plus.
But you run the risk of looking like you stole your grandma’s cast-offs or spent too much time at the Krispy Kreme.
Here’s a few tips to avoid looking like you’ve given up on fashion.
1. Mom jeans are never a good option.
Jessica Simpson made this painfully clear.
Any jeans that accentuate your tummy bulge should be discarded. Now.
Also–double belts don’t help anything.
2. High-waisted pants should not accent the fact that your waist and hips are the same width.
Sorry to keep picking on you Jess, but you just keep wearing them.
If you have no waist, don’t wear high-waisted pants. Not attractive.
3. Avoid camel-toe.
Need I say more?
4. Length matters.
Don’t wear them like capris.
You look like you’re about to go dig for clams.
Conversely, avoid “the puddle.”
If those pants were just a teeny bit shorter they would be all right. When you’re wearing high-waisted pants, the illusion of tall is busted if your shoes aren’t visible.
4. Keep it somewhat flowy (note: see “avoid camel toe”).
Unless you’re a size 0 and can pull off pants like this:
you need to give your “area” a little more liberty.
Good amount of flowy:
Too flowy (that’s a puddle):
Way too flowy:
Are those still pants?
5. Choose your blouse wisely.
Obviously you shouldn’t wear a baggy shirt with your high-waisted pants.
That’s an odd silhouette.
Nor should you wear a shirt that’s too poofy.
While I’m sure she’s got a nice shape, the top/pants combo make her look like a dumpy pear.
The blouse should always be tucked in–or what’s the point of wearing a high waist?–and should fit the style of the pants.
For example: flowy pants need a slimly-cut shirt.
6. Avoid metallics.
7. Be careful of detailing and accessories.
Sometimes pants can fit great, look great, and be great…except for a weird button detail or a giant bow on the front.
Poor girl. She looks like Heidi’s grandfather.
Bows can be an issue as well.
Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do to help the pants.
Are those belt loops?
8. Color can be your friend. Sometimes.
Color is good as long as it doesn’t accentuate something you wanted to hide.
I like these high-waisted blue pants:
because they are structured but not tight around the waist. However, they are a little too flowy around the ankles–but it’s not a deal breaker.
are atrocious. They would make my ass look like it was having ass babies.
9. Be aware of “the pooch.”
We all have it. Why call attention to it?
Your pants can drastically alter your shape.
You should be conscious of this when you’re shopping.
Look at this poor lady in high-waisted jeans:
Here she is again in a different pair of pants:
See the difference? High waists aren’t for her.
10. Try to avoid looking like you have a jumbo vagina.
High-waisted pants aren’t appropriate for (almost) everyone.
They have the potential to make your hips look well-fed and your ass to look more ample than you intended. Selecting the right fit isn’t easy, especially if you’re larger than a 2.
Very few people can succeed at wearing high-waisted pants.
Katherine Hepburn knew what she was doing.
That, my friends, is how you wear high-waisted pants.
You better ask somebody.
So I’m going to ride this one out on the sidelines. If you choose not to join me, please be selective. Because I’m going to be out looking for a chuckle.
suck it, martha.