Dietary Slumming with Tammy: Krab Mac & Cheese

Hey y’all it’s Tammy again. Y’all haven’t heard from me in awhile because I ordered a bunch of stuff off Groupon and well, with the whole not having a job thing… I couldn’t pay for it and my credit card company threatened to sue me.

from madamethursday

from madamethursday

I needed to get a job real quick to pay them back for the 10 facial spa treatments (amongst other things) I ordered.

from newcastle

from newcastle

I didn’t just run out and get a waitressing job–been there, done that, will probably do it again…but NO–this time I got me a real job. I was driving a furniture truck for Ray’s Discount Furniture Outlet.

I got my CDL license a few years ago when I thought I’d like to drive buses for senior citizen homes. I thought I could chat with the little old ladies as I drove them around and get them to share their recipes with me. But after all I went through to get that license, the home didn’t hire me because of a little incident that’s apparently still on my record, where I took my grandmother to a Chippendales show and got a little too friendly with the dancers after I drank too many rum and cokes.

from bolgernow

from bolgernow

But that’s another story.

The point here is that I already had the CDL, so I could get a job driving whenever times are really hard. Some of y’all reading this may know that a CDL to drive a bus isn’t the same as a CDL to drive a truck. Well, I wasn’t really clear on what it took to get the CDL endorsement so when I went to the school for the license I told them I wanted all the endorsements. I thought the way the instructor reacted to me when he realized I was serious was weird, but now I can drive a passenger bus, an 18 wheeler, haul hazardous waste, and driver a tanker truck, as well as drive a school bus.

from collegehumor

from collegehumor

So I went to Ray’s to see if they had any work I could do. Ray is my ex-husband’s cousin and I’m still pretty good friends with his wife, Susie. We’re in the same Monday night Wine and Pottery Club. One night when we were making decorative bowls, Susie tried to use the kiln after the club had just emptied out it’s third box of wine. We were tapping the fourth when I heard her scream. I ran to see what had happened and she had managed to set her hair on fire. I put it out and we’ve been friends ever since, husbandly relations gone bad be damned.

from modernpawrent

from modernpawrent

Ray told me he was looking for a truck driver to help with deliveries, which was right up my alley because they were pairing me up with this musclebound young hunk named Curtis. He would carry the furniture, and all I had to do was drive the truck. I felt pretty powerful up there in the driver’s seat, fearlessly piloting such a huge-ass truck. They even gave me one of them push-to-talk walkie-talkie cell phones so I can talk to the people at the warehouse and the office while out on the job.

from neh

from neh

Well, I was pretty happy at the job for a while, but then a Dodge Neon ran a light and turned in front of me. While a normal reaction would be to be afraid you are going to hit it – and y’all, I was worried I was going to hit them people for a split second – I got mad once I realized everyone was okay and I began to chase them so I could give them a piece of my mind. I was driving that truck in a way that would have made Emerson Fittipaldi  (I love a Brazilian race car driver…and soccer player… and basketball player… and beach bum. Hell I just love Brazilian men) proud! However, it scared the shit out of poor Curtis.

from thekozmoz

from thekozmoz

At one point I was leaning out the window yelling at the little ugly red car, “IF YOU DON’T PULL THAT DIRTY PIECE OF SHIT OVER I WILL RUN THIS TRUCK UP WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE WHEN I FINALLY CATCH YOU.” It was about that time that Curtis started crying and praying out loud. They finally pulled over and I jumped out the truck and snatched the door open and yanked the driver out the car. I gave that little hussy the what for! How dare she put me and Curtis and everyone else in danger like that. As I started to calm down I realized everyone was scared to death because of me and I was lucky that the police never showed up.

from fearexhibit

from fearexhibit

As I was driving back to Ray’s I realized I could have killed everyone. I was going to quit because I was afraid that next time I may actually run over someone and once The Fear strikes you, it’s hard to shake it. But needless to say, once Curtis told Ray what happened he fired me before I could quit.

So I’ve been unemployed again for a while now. Once I got my last paycheck I decided I would cook a dinner that would make me feel a little bit better about losing another job. I’ve been watching a lot of food tv. I see a lot of recipes I want to try–like the Carolina Pig Ear Sandwich. A barbecued pig ear topped with coleslaw on an artisan roll sounds too down home good! But the one thing that seemed the most fucking classy was the Lobster Macaroni & Cheese.

from hancockgourmetlobster

from hancockgourmetlobster

I had made up my mind that I was going to make me some Lobster Macaroni & Cheese. I went to the grocery store and walked all the way to the back where the seafood was and I looked in that lobster tank picking out when one was going to be dinner for me tonight and then my eyes hit the price in the upper righthand corner. I snapped to attention like there was a drill Sergeant standing behind me about to bite my head off  for making another bone headed mistake.

from quickmeme

from quickmeme

I moved over to the frozen seafood section. I buy plenty of fish sticks, so I know I can afford some frozen lobsters. Hell, just some damned lobster tails was more than I spend to get my nails done! Can you believe that? The TAILS. Not a lobster breast! The TAILS! To be able to buy lobster and then put it in a casserole. Lawdy mercy, I’d have to drive more than a furniture truck to be able to do that.

So I turned and was walking towards the aisle with the Hamburger Helper when out the corner of my eye I saw some Krab meat. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about, that fake crab meat that looks and tastes just like crab. I usually eat that stuff plain right out the package while I watch daytime talk shows. All I need is some Krab Select, homies. Makes Maury Povich that much better. Plus the word “select” always puts me a little more at ease. Like they selected the best stuff to make this imitation meat.

from mofopolitics

from mofopolitics

So I had an idea. I could use that instead of lobster in my Mac & Cheese. Then I really had to smile at myself, y’all. I went back to the frozen section and got a bag of frozen shrimp! HELLO!

I consider this a fine company dish. It’s a one-dish meal, which is always nice. And it’s impressive. Betcha if you didn’t tell them most people would think it’s really lobster.

from kkbcguy

from kkbcguy

Or at least I pretend they think it’s lobster.

Your ingredients:

  • 1 box of macaroni noodles
  • 2 cups of freshly shredded cheddar cheese
  • half a cup of Parmesan cheese
  • 1 1/2 cups of milk
  • 1 1/2 half cups of heavy cream
  • half a stick of butter
  • 3 tablespoons flour
  • a pack of Krab
  • paprika
  • garlic powder
  • salt
  • pepper

So, first thing you want to do to whip up some Krab Mac & Cheese is to boil your noodles. I didn’t include a picture of this, because if you don’t know what boiling noodles looks like, you need to hoof it down to the Chinese place and get some take out for your guests.

Just sayin’.

Ok, while the noodles are doin’ their thing, you need to shred some cheese. Don’t buy that shitty bag of pre-shredded cheese. You’re better than that, girlfriend (or boyfriend. I am non-discriminatory).

cheese cheese cheese

cheese cheese cheese

I like to put a paper towel under my box grater to catch all that cheesy goodness. Makes it easy to dump in the bowl, too.

So, grate about 2 cups. I’m never exact when it comes to cheese. Nor am I skimpy.

the first cup

the first cup

You also want to throw in about a half a cup of Parmesan cheese. Now people, if you buy a block of Parmesan cheese to grate it, you might as well buy a lobster, too. That shit is expensive! Protect your wallet–buy the pre-shredded kind. This time, it’s okay.

cheeses

cheeses

Alrighty, time to make the sauce! Melt the butter in a big ol’ pot.

butter

butter

Once it’s all melty, begin to sprinkle the flour into the butter while whisking.

flour & butter

flour & butter

It should begin to look like this:

mixed

mixed

This here’s called a “roux.” Fancy French name for a thickener that you start a sauce with. It super easy–the trick is to just keep whisking.

Now slowly add the heavy cream and the milk, while you just keep whisking.

adding the milk and cream

adding the milk and cream

Once you’ve added all of the milk & cream, shake some nutmeg into it. No exact measurement–just a few shakes.

nutmegged

nutmegged

Now add all that nice cheese.

cheesed

cheesed

Just keep whisking. Whisk until all that cheese is melted and you have a good sauce.

While that sauce is bubbling, your noodles are probably done. If so, drain them into a colander and then pour them into a big bowl.

pasta

noodles

When the sauce is done, you pour that onto the noodles.

saucy

saucy

I had half a tub of sour cream leftover from where my pal Agnes came over for Amercian Idol (we put some in a bowl and sprinkled taco seasoning on top and ate it with chips. Heaven.). I decided it wouldn’t hurt anything to pour that in, too.

sour cream

sour cream

Get out your shrimp.

shrimps

shrimps

Put it into the noodle bowl.

with the shrimps

with the shrimps

Do the same with the Krab.

with the Krab Select

with the Krab Select

Give it all a good mix-in and then pour into your casserole dish of choice. My casserole dish of choice is the one my Aunt Gooch brought Tater Tot Casserole over in when I threw my back out. This was back when I was a yoga instructor for the elderly (I love the elderlies. They have such good recipes.), and I tried to show one of the biddies how to do the Fire Log Pose, when pop! Something just tweaked and I was flat on my back for 6 weeks. And out of a job. But I got a damn good casserole dish out of it.

ready for the topping

ready for the topping

Ok, so once you’ve poured all the good stuff into the dish, sprinkle it liberally with panko. Panko is the best damn breadcrumb out there.

Panko-ed

Panko-ed

Bake in a 350 oven for about 30 minutes, or until the panko turns light brown.

done!

done!

And now it’s dinner time.

dinner

dinner

Take a bite and tell me that’s not lobster.

Or some reasonable imitation.

suck that, martha.

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Categories: Dietary Slumming With Tammy, Food & Drink, Guest Posts

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One Comment on “Dietary Slumming with Tammy: Krab Mac & Cheese”

  1. Earth Momma
    March 25, 2013 at 6:55 am #

    LOVE!

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