It’s almost Christmas.
I love Christmas. Christmas is my very favorite time of the year. Well, except for St. Patrick’s Day. I love St. Patrick’s Day. lt might be because I love green so much. Or the green beer. I think dying food to turn it different colors is so inspired; Red Velvet cake, Easter eggs, blue tortilla chips. Hell, purple ketchup was the shit!
But I don’t want to get off track. I’m supposed to be talking about Christmas!
I once spent the most memorable St. Patrick’s Day ever while visiting my second cousin Alma Lee in Biloxi, Mississippi. She took me to this damn dive bar called Fat Jerry Devino’s where they were advertising flaming shots served by naked leprechauns. Now, I’m not opposed to some tasteful nudity, and this sounded right up my alley.
Let me tell you. This was not at all tasteful. This made Snookie–the one with the hair and the orange skin?– from that Jersey Shore show look like fuckin’ Gloria Steinem. The leprechaun was not only naked, he was tattooed. You know….there. And he had terrible backne. The worst part about the leprechaun was that he seemed to like me. Really like me. Every time he came around with one of those free shots he would hump my leg. I was appalled!
Well after I had about 5 of them green Bud Lights and his fourth time humping my leg, I was starting to really like him too. When he came around the fifth time, I decided I wanted his “pot of gold” all to myself. I took that next shot and when he finished humping my leg, I picked him up, put him under my arm and took him out to the car where I threw him into the back seat of Alma Lee’s Crown Vic that she bought from the police department after they got new cars.
We sent that Crown Vic a rocking. Not because we were getting it on. I had apparently scared the bejeezus out of the poor man and he was trying to get out the car.
Some folks inside found Alma Lee over in a dark corner of the bar. She had bumped into her ex-husband and they were heading down the path of reconciliation when someone interrupted them and said there was a lot of yelling coming from her car. At first she just shooed them away and said I was probably getting lucky, but they said someone was yelling, “HELP!! HELP!”
Well, Alma Lee and Clint came running outside and saw the car bouncing up and down and heard screams of struggle coming from inside. Since it was an old cop car, you couldn’t open the back doors from the inside. They yanked that door open and that little man shot out of there like a cannon ball. He hit the ground about 100 feet away and never stopped.
I fell out the car trying to grab after him and well, embarrassingly enough, all those green beers and shots I had consumed found their way out again. I became the first person ever to get banned from Fat Jerry’s, and I had to leave Mississippi as soon as I sobered up because the police were looking for me. I haven’t seen Alma Lee since. The statue of limitations has run out on the incident but I’m just too shamed by it all to go back.
Alma Lee and Clint got back together, seeing how they bonded over laughing at me. They say they laughed more after that night than they had the entire time of their first marriage. And though I haven’t seen them in years, I talk to them every Christmas, and they have to bring it up every year.
So anyway, Christmas is great. I love Christmas. Except sometimes the Christmas season drives you to eating delicious shit. You know, to eat your feelings of embarrassment away.
This Christmas I got a temp job as the Joann Fabrics House Elf. Kinda like Harry Potter meets Martha Stewart, you know? I have to dress up in a fancy red-and-green costume that kinda makes me look like a waitress at the Christmas Cafe, but its still pretty fucking tasteful. And I hand out holiday coupons for 10% off yarn and shit like that. Let me tell you, all the glamor of that job was gone after the first week.
One day, I had a really shitty day. Really shitty. Like need-to-eat-a-bag-of-Hershey’s day. First, my manager told me that the next day I was going to have to wear an angel suit. Now, I don’t know much about angels, but I do know that they wear white. White, y’all. White. White makes anybody look fat. White also shows all of your underskivvies, so it’s a good thing that I had a new thong to try out that day.
Since I was gonna have to wear white, I decided I wouldn’t eat anything until after I changed back into the House Elf get-up (which has so many colors on it you could eat a gingerbread house with Hansel and Gretel in it and no one could tell the difference) so’s I could look extra skinny. When I got to work and changed into the white (I was right) outfit, my manager also handed me a head piece that kept dropping gold glitter in my face.
I was parading around the store in that angel dress with the gold head thing and the fucking gold wings, when I realized that my angel suit was missing a Very Important Piece. It needed a wand. Only when you’re talking about Heavenly Wands they’re called Scepters. I’m a pretty creative girl, so I hoofed it over to the wrapping paper department and grabbed me a roll o’ gold. Then I headed to the ribbon section and grabbed me a spool of the kind with the wire in it. I wrapped my paper tube in the ribbon and had enough left over to do a nice, grand bow on top of the Scepter. Son of a bitch, I looked good.
Only I was hungry. So hungry, I was angry. And I was wearing a thong two sizes too small and was feeling mean as hell (even though my ass did look really good in that white dress if I must say so myself). After the umpteenth customer had asked me if we sold fake garland (it’s a FABRIC STORE, BITCHES! If you want garland, GO TO LOWE’S), I sorta lost it on someone. This very fat man in one of the Hoverounds grabbed my butt, and I wore his ass out with my scepter. I finished his beatdown with a swing to the balls that would have made Hank Aaron proud if he wasn’t wincing in sympathy pain.
Turns out his wife had sent him over to get a coupon from me and I turned around to hand one to someone else just as he reached out and he accidentally brushed up against my tush.
Anyhoo, my manager wasn’t real happy, Neither were the people at the unemployment office when I showed up there the next day. Well, except for the girl who won the pool on how long it would take before I was back again.
When I got home I was desperately in need of some cake. Good cake. And I wanted pie. Cream pie. All kinds of cream pie. So I decided to whip up a batch of Boston Cream Pie Cupcakes, that way I hit the cake urge, the pie craving, and the chocolate need all at once. Fucking brilliant.
First, you need to gather all your cupcake stuff–we’ll get to the filling and the glaze later. Now, this confectionery treat is a bit complicated, so read it carefully bitches. Don’t blame me if you mess it up because you didn’t read what I said.
In a mixing bowl, mix together:
- 1 1/2 cups all=purpose flour
- 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
- 2 pinches of salt
Set it to the side. I like to be prepared.
If you’re lucky enough to have a KitchenAid mixer, crack 3 eggs into it and scoop a cup of sugar in there too. If you’re not lucky like me, then use a hand mixer, and try not to pity yourself.
The KitchenAid is one of the only things I got in the divorce (thanks, Skip). I’m glad I kept it, though. It’s given me more pleasure than ol’ Skip ever did.
You’ll want to beat those eggs and sugar for a good while–until it’s all thick and creamy and kinda pale.
While that’s going, stick 6 tablespoons of butter and half a cup of milk in a saucepan and warm it up real good.
It should be nice and bubbly when you take it off the heat.
After it’s cooled just a touch, add a teaspoon of vanilla.
Now, take the sugar and egg mixture off the KitchenAid, and slowly add the flour mixture, while stirring by hand. In my vast experience, if you don’t do this, then your cupcakes will turn out more like muffins, and lawdy mercy, that it not as tasty as you might think.
Once you’ve got all that butter, sugar, and flour mixture nice and mixed,
pour part of the milky mixture in there and give it a gentle little toss.
Once it’s pretty much combined (be sure not to over mix…remember–muffins),
fill buttered and floured muffin tins halfway full.
Now pop them into a 350 oven for about 15 minutes, until they’re more like a bottle blonde than a dirty blonde.
While that’s baking, you’ll want to make the vanilla cream filling. First thing you should do is put 2 egg yolks into a bowl.
Whisk with a fork.
Now, in a small saucepan, add a quarter cup of sugar and 2 tablespoons of cornstarch. Let sit on the heat for about 20 seconds, and then slowly add a cup of milk. Take my advice–don’t let the sugar and cornstarch sit for more than 20 seconds, or you’ll end up with saucepan shaped hard stuff. First time I made these, I had to remake that fucking cream filling 3 times! It did remind me of those Little House on the Prairie movies, when they made maple candy, remember?
Keep stirring the mixture until it thickens.
Whisk in some vanilla. Then add a touch of the hot cream mixture to the egg yolks.
Whisk it well,
then add it to the saucepan.
Give it all a good stir, while keeping it on low heat (you want to cook the egg yolks, you know, to avoid the salmonella, but not burn anything).
Once it’s all cooked through and can hold peaks, you want to put it in a bowl.
Let it cool a few minutes, then put some Saran wrap on top of it and refrigerate it for at least an hour. Mash the Saran wrap down onto the cream filling. Keeps it from drying out.
Okie dokie, by now the cupcakes should be done. Carefully get them out of the oven and onto cooling racks.
Now is the time to take a break. Go watch your soaps or mop the floor, or change the kiddie’s diaper. Or, if your name is Tammy, you’ll kick back with a cold beverage.
You’ve got to wait for the cupcakes to cool down and the filling to reach that hour mark.
OKAY, now that you’ve had a chance to relax a little, you need to make the chocolate glaze. Put 2/3 cup of heavy cream into a saucepan. Wait until it boils, but keep stirring (scalded milk tastes like ass).
Turn off the heat, and add half a bag of semi sweet chocolate chips.
Whisk it really good.
Now add a tablespoon of corn syrup to the mix. Whisk it really good again.
You’re done! WHEEE! Now all you have to do is assemble everything. First off, use a serrated knife (like a bread knife) and cut the cupcakes in half.
Now smash some vanilla cream between them like a delicious sandwich.
Keep those cupcakes on the cooling rack, and drip some chocolate glaze all over it. Presentation, bitches. You don’t want any pooling on the serving dish, now do ya?
There it is. Impressive, ain’t it?
suck that, martha.